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  “Tiff, you sure you don’t want me to run upstairs and grab the pills? I don’t know what time Kai is coming home.”

  She twisted up her lip and gently shook her head no. “I’m not messing with those anymore. I’m trying to get my life straight.”

  I nodded my head as if I understood. “Yea I understand. Listen I want to ask you a question, me and you are cool right?”

  “Yea Ramae why?” Her eyes gave her away more then she would ever know. Even if I didn’t know that something was going on her face had the look of a guilty man on the witness stand.

  I excused myself to put the biscuits in the oven as her anxiety built up inside waiting for me to sit back down. After I put them in I stood over the stove as if I was looking for the words that I was trying to say. Tiffany, with her arms folded in a guarded position, patiently waited for me to finish my statement.

  “Well, Porscha is the God mom of my three sons and…well look…” I walked over to my pocketbook and pulled out the original home pregnancy test that I had saved. Yes I saved the test, I saved the test from all of my pregnancies. Only this one I saved in case I ever wanted to throw it in Kai’s face, and indeed it was coming in handy.

  “What’s that?” Her eyebrows pushed together looking at the object as if it was something from outer space.

  “You never seen a pregnancy test?” I sarcastically snapped back at her, offended by the games she was beginning to play.

  Tiffany let out a deep breath and chose her words wisely. “Yes I know it’s a pregnancy test” She snapped back. “Are you pregnant? And what are you asking me Ramae?”

  Now her tone was different. She was annoyed and frustrated but still trying to remain cool. I brushed off the attitude in her voice. She was reacting exactly how I wanted her too. Now was the time for me to get in her head to make her hate Kai.

  “Yes I’m pregnant Tiffany.” My smile was big and bright. “I found out sometime ago but I wasn’t sure how to tell Kai. I’m kind of nervous but I’m happy ya know? When I was pregnant by Jay I was young. We didn’t have the resources to raise a baby. This time I have money…Kai and I already have a home…this baby is gonna be good.” I waited for a reply but Tiffany just looked at me expressionless. “Ok Tiff congrats to you too!”

  “What do you mean congrats too me too?”

  “Huh? What’s wrong with you?”

  “Nothing congrats Ramae…tell Kai I said congrats too.”

  I sat down in the chair and went on talking to her about my plans for the baby. I could feel the tense energy flowing out of her fingertips unto my scalp as she held the flat irons close to my head, but I just laughed it off inside. I wish she could’ve felt what I was feeling inside. The smile on my face was only a fragment of the glee I was feeling out of seeing her distressed ass upset. By the time she was done I excitedly went into details about the baby, names, places to shop, the right things to eat, and my plans for Kai and I. She listened quietly half paying attention offering no input unless asked.

  “I hope it’s a boy so I can name his first son after him.”

  I tugged more at her soul hearing those words. There’s nothing that will get to a woman more than knowing that a man has a junior on the way and the opportunity to give him his first son may be out of the window. I’m not even sure how she kept it in.

  I stopped at the sound of the front door closing, Kai finally made it home. The foreign smell of a home cooked meal must’ve graced his nostrils also because he too asked that same dumb question Tiffany did.

  “You cooking Ramae?” He yelled from the entrance hallway. Yes it was official they belonged together.

  “Yes Kai I’m in the kitchen.”

  Tiffany gathered her possessions but her eyes never left the kitchen doorway. Kai’s footsteps slowed as he got closer to the kitchen locking eyes with his mistress. I watched their reactions to each other appearing clueless to their awkward disposition.

  “Hey babe, Tiffany was just about to go. But Tiff your more than welcome to stay with us, I mean for dinner…I can talk to Kai later.”

  “Talk to me about what?” I could almost see the sweat beginning to creep out of his forehead. I smiled at Tiffany.

  “Something…now Tiff are you staying for dinner?”

  “Ramae is pregnant Kai congratulations!” The words exploded from her lips so suddenly I don’t think she even realized what she was saying. I pretended to be upset with her for breaking the news but I’m sure it came off phony. Kai’s eyes instantly darted across the room to me then shot back over to Tiffany.

  “Damn Tiff! Let me tell my man my business! Well yes babe I’m pregnant…now that Tiff has ruined the surprise…”

  I handed him the pregnancy test and waited for a reply. The heat from the burn mark that Tiffany’s eyes tried to leave on his face could warm up the room. Kai was frozen in place. After a minute of no response I wrapped my arms around his neck, kissed his lips and looked him in the eyes hoping that he would say something.

  “Kai I’m pregnant.” Those sympathetic suggestive words must’ve ranged his ears like a morning buzzer. He woke up out of his trance and replied, “We’re having a baby.”

  I caught his eyes cutting at Tiffany, so I turned around to see what he was looking at. Tiffany, breathing hard and strong, had the face of a serial killer on her body. Her eyes were bulging, chest popping in and out, body stiff as a board and yet she still smiled.

  “Oh, what I was going to ask you earlier Tiff was would you consider being the God mom?”

  “No.” Kai interrupted.

  “Why not?”

  “No.” he repeated.

  I let go of him and stood in front of Tiffany looking her dead in the eye. “Tiffany...” I made sure to sternly say her name to get her attention, “Do you want to be the babies God mom?”

  “No Ramae, I can’t take on that responsibility…that’s someone else’s job. I gotta go.”

  Kai held his ground as she pushed passed him. The sound of the door slamming as she left the house roared through the walls. We just starred at each other. I gave him an odd look as to say what just happened and he gave one back offering the same expression.

  Now Kai was a man of few words, so I thought he would walk out the house or go upstairs due to being in the mix of all the tension. But instead, he sat down and waited for me to serve him like nothing happened. I was pissed. How could a person just pretend as if life was normal and going according to plans knowing that they weren’t? How could he just sit at the table, tearing up food that I prepared knowing that he had gotten Tiffany pregnant? He didn’t go after her or show the least bit of sympathy.

  If I didn’t know about the pregnancy I would’ve never known. Kai remained cool and calm and never addressed the door slam or her being the God mom. He continued to eat his dinner saying how good it was licking his fingers and all. He never even brought up the subject of me being pregnant.

  Well if he wanted to play games then I would continue to play mine. I was hoping he would tell me the truth about Tiffany. The storming out of the house and the door slam was an obvious clue that something was wrong with the picture but he tried his best to ignore the whole thing.

  “I said I’m pregnant Kai.”

  “I heard you Ramae.”

  “Well?”

  “Well what?” He looked up at me as I towered over top of him shrinking him down to size.

  “Well how do you feel about it?”

  Placing my hands on my hips and throwing them off to the side I demanded my answer. Kai focused on the remainder of his food. Smacking away harder and harder with every bit he didn’t want to look at me.

  “Mae you not having no baby you like 40 let’s be real. What about your sons? I’m not ready to have no child so this isn’t even an issue.”

  Leaning over his plate he spit out the nasty words like a bone. He had no regard for my feelings or for me being pregnant. Now my age was a problem and being forty was too old? At that moment I wished that m
y words were true, and that I hadn’t gotten the abortion.

  “You’re not ready huh? Well I am so you better get ready!”

  In the meantime his phone was going off on vibrate. Repeated calls blew up his phone but he never took the time to look at the caller ID. The doorbell rang making Kai jump up to answer but I told him to sit and that I would get it. There wasn’t a lot of unknown traffic to the house so I was pretty sure it was Tiffany.

  Kai followed behind me closely to see who was at the door giving me little room to take a step without feeling his presence directly behind me. Reaching past me, he turned the door handle barely giving me enough room to get by. I backed down and moved out of his way but still remained in the hallway.

  Of course it was Tiffany. He squeezed himself between the doorway and the door, peeking his head through the entrance to speak with her. I couldn’t see her face but through her voice I could hear her tears as she tried to make out the sound of his name from her lips. Kai played it cool. He reached into his pocket and pulled out two pills and passed them to her slamming the door in her face.

  He should’ve known that would fire her up! She began screaming his name at the top of her lungs as she banged on the heavy door. Pounding as hard as she could you could feel her anger with him as the sound of her fist made the house vibrate.

  “Kai! Kai! Open the door! Kai tell her!”

  “Tell me about what Kai? Let her in!” My anger was showing. I wanted him to let her in but I knew he wouldn’t.

  Kai looked at me shaking his head. He was breathing hard and biting his lip trying to hold his frustrations in. He knew he was in for some drama. Still, he tried to act as if Tiffany wasn’t standing on his porch pregnant, filled with tears, hitting the door so hard that it could have fell off the hinges.

  “Ramae go upstairs.” Now we both knew that was out of the question. No female would walk away from a screaming woman outside her house calling her man’s name.

  “I’m pregnant Ramae did he tell you? He’s been fucking me and I’m pregnant! We’re both pregnant!”

  I made an effort to push my way past him but he wouldn’t let me get to the door. Kai grabbed me quickly wrapping his arms tightly around mine trying to restrain me but I still fought him off. He picked me up as my legs kicked in the air and threw me down on the couch hard enough to slow me down but soft enough not to hurt my “with child” body. I wouldn’t dare hit him, but I knew what to do to hype up the situation as any woman who just heard those stinging words come from a mistress’s dirty mouth would. Yelling at him to let her in while snatching his hands from off of my arms I fought him off of me until he pinned me down.

  “Chill Ramae!”

  “She’s pregnant Kai?”

  Tears crept from my eyes, something that I could not fake. I tried to remain tough but really on the inside I was shattered. Even though I already knew she was pregnant, this moment was becoming too much for me to handle. I wished that my tears were fake but the feelings I had developed for him mixed with those words wouldn’t allow me to keep up the act. I asked him one more time calmly if she was pregnant but he refused to answer my question. Kai looked lost. His head dropped to his chest as he held me tighter trying to pull me in for a hug. Hard inhales followed by harder exhales took over his body as he tried to clear his thoughts. I waited for the lie. I waited for him to try to make good out of the situation like men always do. I could tell that he was in a world that I nor Tiffany existed. His focus was on getting through this moment. There was a lot going on in the house and he needed to get as far away from it as possible. I snapped him back into my world asking him that same question for a third time.

  “I’m sorry.”

  He wasn’t sorry they never are. If a person can get away with murder they will and won’t be sorry until they are arrested or killed for their crime. I know because I wasn’t sorry for cheating on Jay until my life was unraveling. Kai wasn’t sorry for sleeping with Tiffany and he wasn’t sorry for getting her pregnant, he was sorry for getting caught. He was sorry for having a crying woman in front of his house door and having a crying one on his living room sofa. Maybe he was sorry for not using a condom but he wasn’t sorry for how it felt when he didn’t.

  He should’ve been telling Tiffany that because before he could calm me down the sound of his car alarm went off with the shattering of a window. Instantly he forgot about me and ran to the living room window to see what Tiffany had done to set off his alarm. Watching his back face me, I smiled the most demonic grin a human could ever have. If he would’ve seen my face it probably would’ve earned me a smack, but he didn’t. I didn’t need to see what she had done because all that mattered was that something was done. Kai was frozen in time viewing his car and the back window shattered. Glass was on the trunk and inside his vehicle with the remains of a Club hanging out of the window. Tiffany reacted exactly how I had hoped. Playing a fools fool, she stood in the middle of the street in tears as the neighbors watched before she walked off to her car driving off in hysterically in tears.

  I disappeared into the bedroom with the door locked leaving Kai to soak in his mess by his self. I didn’t come out for the rest of the night and I had no desire to. The only thing I wanted to do was pack the clothes that I had accumulated over the past couple of months of living with Kai and prepare myself for another phase of life. I came into this relationship with very little and I would be leaving with the same amount.

  CHAPTER 11

  That’s what friends are for right? I took my trash bags of clothes to work with me in the trunk of my car the next day with no plans to return. There was no need to tell Kai I was leaving and there was no need to tell him where I was going. If he cared…that would’ve been nice, but I wasn’t trying to make him miss me. I had informed Porscha that I would be taking her up on her offer of staying with her until I worked things out with my husband, and like a good friend, she gladly said ok.

  The drive to her house was a bit of déjà vu for me. Once again I would be enjoying a fresh start on life. I was looking forward to getting myself together and possibly getting my husband back. I missed Jay. None of those things would ever have happened in our relationship. He was the type of man that every woman wanted and needed in their life, and that was why I had planned to get him back! My sweaty palms ranged Porscha’s doorbell as I let out a deep sigh of relief. I could hear the sound of Jayla’s little footsteps running down the steps to see who was at the door. I laughed at her little fingers poking through the mail slot as Porscha yelled at her in the background to get away from the front door.

  My friend opened the door with a grin big enough to put a clown to shame. She stepped back with one hand on her hip giving me just enough room to squeeze past as I struggled to carry my bags in with no help.

  “I told your silly ass you should’ve been here!” She laughed and I did too, although I didn’t find her little joke too amusing.

  What I didn’t do was tell Porscha about Tiffany. This wasn’t the time for the drama I just wanted peace. As much as I loved her and as much as I knew she loved me, it just wasn’t the time.

  The house was so warm and cozy unlike I had remembered. As many times as I had been in her house, I didn’t remember it having this feeling. I felt like I was stepping into a house on Thanksgiving. The smell of a chicken cooking in the oven mixed with the warm earth tones that decorated all of the furniture in the house gave me the sense of family that I had been missing. She had begun to clear out her backroom for me but little had been done on such short notice. I wasn’t worried about it because I didn’t want to get comfortable. She told me that I didn’t have to rush and that she could really use the extra help with Jayla but I had no intentions on making her house my home.

  Jayla kept me company with her childish story telling as I unpacked my things. She was so excited asking me over and over again if I was going to be living there and each time I politely answered her yes. That girl must have asked me ten times in ten minutes the same
question! But I knew how kids could be so it was amusing to me, I missed those days when my boys did that.

  Spending time with Jayla gave me a moment to reflect back onto my abortion. I had thought very little about it and pushed it to the back of my mind. But now I wondered and slightly regretted aborting the possibility of the little girl I always wanted. Jayla’s smooth brown skin and long eyelashes were so beautiful and reminded me of Kai’s. I wondered if our daughter would’ve had those same features.

  Life can be too much to go through, but what makes it worse is that we come to that fork in the road and always pick left. I wasn’t sure who I was anymore or who I would be after the series of events that I brought into my life. Things were so different for me now. A part of me still wanted to go back to Kai and live with him. Not because I was deeply in love with him but because then I wouldn’t have to admit to failure. Pride is an awful thing that keeps us in positions that we don’t want to be in but it was a comfortable place to live. It’s so much easier to let our pride get in the way of what is best for us because we are taught that failure is not an option. Admitting to failure takes a great loss of pride. Not to mention taking that walk of shame in front of those who knew we would fail is blow to the soul.